Week 27: The Manual

 

 

 

Congratulations on your purchase of a Bill Wadman™.  With  proper care, he’ll provide you with a lifetime of service and productivity.  In order to get you acquainted with your Bill Wadman™ , we’ve developed this owners manual. Please take the time to read it thoroughly before operating.

Operation
Bill Wadman™  is capable of a number of conventional and unconventional tasks for you. His skills include, but are not limited to,

  1. music composition
  2. photography
  3. computer programming
  4. coercion
  5. human beat box
  6. good conversation
  7. joke telling
  8. impressions
  9. singing
  10. graphic design
  11. computer purchase advise
  12. pancake preparation
  13. shoulder and back massage
  14. general social interaction 

Bill Wadman™  likes to attempt new challenges, so don’t be afraid to test his limits. Especially if the task is creativity related.

To control your Bill Wadman™, get his attention and speak commands to him verbally. If he understood you, he’ll usually reply with an “OK” or just begin the task.  If he says, “That’s interesting.”, he probably wasn’t listening, so try repeating yourself and see if he notices. If all else fails, stand between him and his computer for best results.

Bill Wadman™  may also be controlled via email, telephone, SMS,  and AIM or MSN instant messaging clients.  Each of these may be more effective at different times. Experiment for best results.

While he can multitask well, too many tasks (depending on stress level) can cause frustration, bad attitude, and lack of performance on all tasks at hand.

Care and Feeding
First off, Bill Wadman™  requires at least 8 hours of sleep each night, and works best with an additional 1 hour nap in the mid to late afternoon. For short runs, he may operate on less, but too little sleep for too long will ultimately result in loss of productivity.

For best results, set your Bill Wadman™  to task in the evening so that he works into the late hours. His best work is generally done between 10PM and 2AM. Our engineers believe this is due to the lack of secondary evidence of time passing (sun moving through the sky, traffic noise, phone calls, etc)

Bill Wadman™ is best cleaned with a combination of soap and water on this body (Irish Spring Fresh scent is recommended) and Cetophil cleanser for this face. Gillette Mach 3 razors and Aveda shaving cream.

Bill Wadman™  requires a constant supply of Coca Cola and rather bland food.  (Note that while more expensive or fancy foods may fuel Bill Wadman™ , they will not lead to improved performance.)  Some of his favorites are hamburgers, pizza, pancakes, scambled eggs, fried chicken, tuna melts, and BLT’s.

During less strenuous activities, a nice combination of cheesy pop, piano jazz, and early 20th century classical music can help maintain peak performance.  As can recicitations of  the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (the book or radio versions), Monty Python’s The Holy Grail (first, second, and forth scenes), or Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.

Troubleshooting

PROBLEM
I’ve spoken to my Bill Wadman™ , but have received no response

SOLUTION

  1. Check to make sure your Bill Wadman™  is awake.
  2. Make sure your Bill Wadman™  has a Coca Cola available within reach.
  3. Be sure to use the prefixes “giga-“ and “tera-“ as much as possible.

PROBLEM
My Bill Wadman™ says he has a headache. What do I do?

SOLUTION

  1. Feed him 25mg of Imitrex and 2 tablets of Ibuprofin immediately.
  2. Close the shades, turn off all lights and sources of noise.
  3. Lay Bill Wadman™  down and let him sleep. He should return to normal in approximately 3 hours.

PROBLEM
My Bill Wadman™  is cranky. What do I do?

SOLUTION

  1. Again, make sure he has Coca Cola available.
  2. Do not attempt to cheer him up, it’ll only make him worse.
  3. Leave him alone for a few hours, it’ll usually correct itself.

PROBLEM
My Bill Wadman™ doesn’t like being around groups of drunk people.

SOLUTION

  1. Remove drunk people or Bill Wadman™.

PROBLEM
I have set my Bill Wadman™ to compose music but he will only produce cheesy pop songs. What do I do?

SOLUTION

  1. This is not actually a problem, but rather a feature of Bill Wadman™.