8:30PM
Streetlights
Excuse
me, do you know how to get to
TED
Maybe.
(incredulously) What do you mean “maybe”? I could have said
that “maybe” you know the answer! I asked you to find out for sure.
TED
Well
then, yes, I do. But I’ve got to know
why you want to know.
I
don’t ‘want to know’, I need to know!
I’ve got a date and I’m late.
TED
A date huh? A first date perhaps?
It’s
none of your business, but it happens to be, yes.
TED
I
can tell.
How?
TED
The nerves and impeccable polish. You’re all dolled up.
Maybe
I’m always dolled up.
TED
And
maybe you always lie through your teeth.
You
don’t even know me, and all ready you’re concluding I’m a liar?
TED
Are
you a woman?
I
think you know the answer to that one
TED
Then
I know I’m right.
<gasp>
TED
Joke, just a joke. I’m sure you look this good all the time. By the way, I’m Ted. (offers hand)
(shaking hands) April.
TED
Nice
to meet you April. OK, so the promised directions. You see that bright yellow
sign down there a couple of blocks? Take right, Mott is the second street on
your left.
Thanks.
(awkward pause)
TED
You
better run, don’t want to deny him even a minute of your company.
Right. OK.. well it
was a pleasure to meet you Ted. See you around.
TED
See
ya.
(as
they walk away in opposite directions, first
(yells) Hey Ted! Who ever said it was a ‘him’? <smiles>
Coffee shop
The following week
TED walks in, gets in line, recognizes her
TED
April?
<no response>
TED
(tapping her shoulder)
April.
(turns, and take .5 second
to catch up) Oh hi, umm.. (stalls, knowing full well his
name)
TED
Ted.
Of course, Ted, I’m sorry.
TED
Sooo.. How did the date go?
Oh, well that’s a story
TED
Well spill, sister.
Do you want the long or the short of it? (
TED
How about the medium.. or what do they call it here, grande?
No, no, no, long or short, there is no medium. All
experiences are better either short or long. Medium is for wussies
or runners.
TED
Wussies or
runners?
Ya.. you
know, wussies are wimps and runners are people who
pretend to want, or think they want the long version of something, but the
minute they think they’ll actually get it..
poof!
Like Michael Johnson in Atlanta ‘96, except usually they’re not wearing
gold sneakers.
TED
Ah.. Got ya. Well.. (looks at watch) I’ve got 15
minutes before I’ve got to get back, how about the long version?
Good
choice. (as they pick up their drinks and head to a
table)
So
he was nice enough. Polite, didn’t seem to hold my tardiness against me. Cute, in that “I’m not into clothes, but I have my gay friend go
shopping with me so I don’t look like an idiot” way. And
funny. Dry, cynical, with just the right hint of
vermouth.
TED
But…
I
feel really shallow saying this…
TED
(kid like) Ooooo.. (then very serious)
<clears throat> I mean, go ahead.
Well,
he had a really weak handshake. It was a cross between and dead fish and a
beagle.
TED
Yikes,
yah, that does sound bad.
You’re
laughing at me.
TED
No,
not at all, I think that handshake quality is a very important indicator. A litmus test of how someone views their
place in the world. Whether they’re waiting for the world to come to them, or
whether they’re walking up to the world and saying, “Hi world, I’ve heard all
about you. I’m so and so”
OK,
now I’m definitely laughing at YOU.
TED
I’m
sure I deserve it, for more reasons that you know. But this conversation isn’t
about me, back to this guy. So his
handshake killed the deal?
Well,
then he had one glint of a scary stalker man moment. It was probably nothing,
but he said he had left his briefcase at work and wondered if we couldn’t stop
by the office and pick it up after dinner
TED
Oh
boy. I’ve got to remember that line,
that’s a good one. April, tell me you
didn’t fall for it!
At
the time I didn’t think anything of it, so we go up in the elevator, he gets
the bag, and we’re on our way down. He’s looking at me and says “those are
beautiful earrings”
TED
See,
I told you you were dolled up.
Whatever. <smiles> But then he says, “Sorry, you probably
thought that I was staring at you, but I was looking at your earrings. Not that
you’re not worth starring at, you’re very beautiful actually. If that’s ok for
me to say at this point”
TED
“This point”? What the hell does that mean?
That’s
what I was thinking!
TED
You
give the compliment and then leave it at that. Don’t qualify it or ask
permission.
Right! Kinda proves your
theory and mine.
TED
How’s
that?
Well
a qualified compliment is sort of like a medium compliment. Would have been
better and bigger if he let it stand on it’s own as a large. Hence my theory, and as for your theory, weak
handshake – crippled compliment. Thinks his actions need an explanation, as if
they can’t stand on their own. Get some
guts already! If I had a dime for every time a guy blew his chance to…
TED
<cutting her off> April, would you like to have dinner
with me tomorrow night?
Restaurant interior, two at
a table.
fairly dark, tea lights on the
table
Nice
restaurant, good choice.
TED
How
do you mean?
Can’t
you just take a compliment?
TED
Of
course, thank you. Now, how do you mean?
Well,
I mean that it’s nice without being showy. Homey without
being hokey.
TED
Oh,
well then I will take that as a compliment.
Do you always analyze everything?
I
tend to. I think a wise person once said, “look for
meaning in everything in life”.
TED
Who
was that?
Me.
TED
Cute, real cute. You’re like
Buddha with a nice butt.
You
sure do know how to compliment a woman.
strolling on Central Park Promenade
TED
Look
at how the light hits those buildings at just the right angle this time of day.. makes them look like they’re
glowing from inside.
Ted?
TED
Yep?.
Any specific reason that you haven’t tried to kiss me yet?
TED
Well.. I’ve been waiting for just the right moment with you. Figured I’d know it when it came.
Why?
TED
You
seem worth the wait. But I have to admit
that I’m getting a little worried that waiting this long has raised my
expectations to a level that I’m not sure we can reach?
Why
do you say that?
TED
I’m
not sure that any one could kiss that well
No
faith, Ted. No faith. And what if we were that good?
TED
Well,
I’d say that I’d need to find a way to make money kissing you, because there’s
no way I’d ever get my work done with you around.
Only one way to find out.
<
grabs TED’s
head and kisses him softly>
<after
a moments pause>
TED
Ya,
what if we made a living by giving kissing lessons, sort of a kissing seminar
type thing..
<
3 weeks later, in bed.
TED
How
do you know that you’ve found the right person
Hmm?
TED
Oh,
you heard me.. I mean, how do you know when to take
the leap?
The leap?
TED
Ya,
really put your heart into a relationship… literally. And then see where it leads.
Why
not just do that right from the beginning?
Life is short and all that…
TED
I
guess, but the fear of pain is pretty scary too.. you’re right though, until you put emotional weight on the
other person.. the only thing you really know for sure
is their name. <chuckles>
Umm.. ya.. Uh.. Ted?
TED
Yes,
April?
Nothing.
TED
What
do you say you and I give it a shot? I
mean really make a run of it?
Glad
to see you hopping on the bus I’ve been on since the night we met.
TED
Puleez, who do you think’s been driving that bus. <smiles>
Well,
then it’s settled. Sign me up. OK.. so what’s the first step in this new direction?
TED
First,
I think we need to buy two new toothbrushes. One here for you
here, and one for me at your place.
Check!
TED
Then
I think it’s just a matter of doing what we’ve been doing. Speaking of which, let’s get back to doing
what we were doing.
You’re
such a romantic. I thought you’d never ask.
<
TED and his best friend from college HEATHER
walking on Broadway on the upper
west side
HEATHER
So
who is this mystery girl?
TED
Well,
her name is April and I met her on the street in
HEATHER
You
asked her out while she was on her way to date with another guy?
TED
No!
I saw her a few days later at Starbucks and it happened there after a little
more witty banter. She and I do a lot of
that.
HEATHER
Cute?
TED
God
yes, <kidding> but not as cute as you back in the day
<TED puts his arm around
HEATHER>
HEATHER
You
sure do know how to compliment a woman
TED
You
know me.. <kidding>
always the playa’.
Simultaneously
NANCY and her gay friend DAVID
in a bookstore on the same
block
DAVID
You
read this yet? <holding up a book from the
table>
Umm.. ya.. but you’re better off reading his last book, same type of
thing, more concise.
<TED with arm around
HEATHER strolls by the window>
<gasp>
DAVID
What?
That
was Ted.
DAVID
Where?
He
just walked by the window with his arm around some girl!
DAVID
You’re
kidding right?
Nope.
DAVID
Wow,
what an asshole. Two
timing on someone as hot as you?
That shit ain’t right. I’d stop taking his calls.
Really?
DAVID
Hell
ya, what? You
think it’s his cousin or something? No
way! That guys a player. I knew it from day one.
You’re
probably totally right. Ughh.. god,
this sucks. I was just starting to
really put my hopes on this one. Shit.
Next Day
TED <on cell phone>
Hello
dollface, just calling to see what you’re up to and
see if you wanted to have dinner later..
give me a call
6 hours later
TED <on cell phone>
<kidding around> hey? what? Don’t call me back anymore? Or answer you’re phone apparently.. ok… call me.
Late the next day
TED <on cell phone>
<low serious voice> This is Tom Johnson from
The following morning
TED <on cell phone>
OK,
now you’re scaring me. Seriously, call
me back and let me know you’re alive.
NANCY and DAVID are having lunch at an
outside restaurant
DAVID is in the restroom
TED is walking down the street, sees her
TED
Hey!
Where the hell have you been? I’ve been looking all over for you!
Hi
Ted. I’ve been busy.
TED
Busy? I’ve left you at least 4-5 voicemails, why
didn’t you call me back?
Oh
did you? I hadn’t noticed that you
called.
<DAVID walks back from
the bathroom>
TED
Hadn’t
noticed?! April, you’ve had me worried!
DAVID
Who’s
April?
Who
are you?
DAVID
I’m
David, you must be Ted.
TED (to
Who
is this guy?
Not
really any of your business is it?
TED
April,
you’re not making any sense
DAVID
Who’s
April
TED
She’s
April
DAVID
TED
Who’s
I
am.
TED <shaking his head>
Huh?
My
name is
TED
Misunderstanding? So now I
really know nothing about you. I didn’t even know your real name!
Ya? Well I didn’t know that you
had other girls on the side. Each of them have a toothbrush at your place too?
TED
What
are you talking about?
I
saw you all cozy with some other girl a few days ago. So why don’t you just go
to hell.
TED
You
know what? Fine.
<TED walks briskly
away>
<sigh> This sucks.
DAVID
Ya.. but you’re better
off. Two timing loser.
Christmas party
The next year
Hi
Ted
TED
April,
I mean.. <stalls knowing full well her name>
My
friend Judy is friends with the host, Betty.
You?
TED
I
used to work with Betty.
Ahh..
TED
Ahh indeed.
<awkward silence>
So
how have you been?
TED
Good. You know, busy. Working and stuff.
Sure,
stuff.. all those women and
everything.
TED
Ya, about that? I’m not sure how you ever
got that idea.
Oh
come on Ted, you had your arm around some brunette.
TED <just realizing>
Ohhhh!!! That was Heather.
See.. told ya
TED
No!!
She’s an old friend from college I hadn’t seen in years, she was in town for a
conference. THAT’s
who you thought I was messing around with?
Umm…
<weakly> yes?
TED
No,
no, no. How about that David guy? Good
in the sack?
You’d
know before I would.
TED
<”huh?” Look>
David
likes boys Ted, he’s one of my best friends. Although he did say that you were cute, but a
little too disheveled in his opinion.
TED
So
except for the whole name thing, that really was a big misunderstanding?
Ya,
it seems so. And I really am sorry about
the whole April/Nancy thing.. it
just got more awkward to tell you as time went on.
TED
Well.. that’s ok, you look more like a
‘
What
do you mean by that?
TED
I
think it has something to do with that cute bottom lip of yours.
Oh,
you think so huh?
TED
Yep.. I think so. And
you know what else?
What’s
that?
TED
I’ve
missed you.
Me too.
TED
How
about we go get a frosted sugar cookie together and start over again?
<sizing him up> Ok, but this time, don’t wait forever to
kiss me.
TED
Hey,
it was you who kissed me, buster.
And
don’t you forget it.
<the
end>